© Paul Prescott | Dreamstime.com
Becoming a mother has to be one of the biggest transitions in our lifetime. Really, I’d say it IS the biggest. When I found myself pregnant with my first son almost 13 years ago, it was pretty life altering. I guess it’s important to point out that I was in the middle of university, and though married, wasn’t in the least bit planning or ready for a baby.
I was such a keener that I read everything I could get my hands on, but nothing could really prepare me for what was going to be in store. At my high school prom, I was voted “least likely to have children” so you can imagine the worry from the part of my friends. I think to say that I was an A-type personality is an understatement. I was head-strong (aka pig headed) and pretty determined to be successful….whatever that meant.
Life sure took its own path from the moment my son entered the world. My friends were shocked to see me doing the “goo goo, ga ga’s” at my new bundle of joy. I think what they hadn’t considered was how much of an ‘overachiever’ I was. I really wanted to be a great Mom.
The hardest part for me was to accept that I was doomed for failure if I thought I could do everything right. There were absolutely moments I failed, where I didn’t make the choice I should have, and times I wish I could take back, or get a ‘do over’.
But one thing I definitely did right was to keep my sense of identity. To me becoming a mother has been about defining a new role in my life, not the ONLY role in my life. I see so many mothers who make excuses for why they can’t go out, see their friends, go on a date with their husband. That is not me! I believe the best gift we can give our children is a well adjusted parent. This means taking into account all of our needs and not identifying ourselves by our roles. There are many ways I’d describe myself: caring, philanthropic, stubborn, determined, successful, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a doula, a childbirth educator. These are just characteristics and roles. I am me. Period.
Each of us will have different needs. I know I need pedicures. Regularly. I know if my marriage is to be successful, we need time to ourselves. Regularly. I have often taken weekends away with my husband. In our early days together, sometimes they were very frugal. It’s amazing how inexpensively you can travel when you put a little effort into it. And many of those had regular pumping breaks, since I breastfed long-term. Guess what, my breastfeeding relationship and kids survived. I know I also need to work. I love my work. It’s part of what makes me feel great. So I never did take a whole year of maternity leave. I did find ways to make sure my work allowed me to be the mother I wanted to be. At home as much as I felt would be needed for my family. And I used babysitters. Gasp. The horror! That’s what I needed.
So as I sit here on this beautiful, (nearly) spring morning, working as a postpartum doula for today, holding an infant in my Monkeywear wrap while her mama works a job she loves (just down the hall), I don’t judge her for a second. What we’ll all need to keep our identity is as individual as there are mothers in the world. I think we should all give each other just a bit of slack. We’ll all be better mothers if we can keep our own identities and refer to ourselves by name instead of by our role of Mom. We are so much more complex than that.
So here’s to the mothers of the world. Go get a massage, a pedicure, your hair done, your work done, your emails answered….Whatever makes you feel good. You’ll be a better Mom for it!
The Options Expert
